Thursday, October 16

Birthday: In Which I'm Incredibly Less Self-Assured Than the Previous Year

 
(Don't be under any illusions, the only thing I'm thinking about in this picture is what it would be like to have a throne and/or palace. Also, not at all inappropriate to include a picture of Marie Antoinette's old house in a post on the exact day she was beheaded)
 
My Mum told me recently that this past year I have been 'thinking a lot', more than I used to; In her delightfully unsubtle way she might actually be right.
 
I remember when I was younger, my aunt would call me on my birthday and ask if I felt older. I'd give it some thought - a split-second, or two - and say yes, 5 was very different to 6 (or 6 to 7, 7 to 8, and so on), because then it was different, or it at least seemed important for it to feel different. Now I'm not too sure. 26 has flowed quite seamlessly into 27, so much so that for the past few months I thought I already was 27.
 
Considering last year's birthday post, it's quite fitting that whilst I'm writing this it's pouring with rain outside; I talked about planning and making the most of rainy days (it was a weather related metaphor, it was long), with that considered I think I've spent too long considering that metaphor - worrying about rainy days and not really enjoying (or appreciating) the sunnier days, and maybe forgetting that the rainy days are only gloomy and disappointing if you allow them to be (I really can't resist a weather metaphor). Whilst I ramble, please keep in mind that this is only a recent realisation, one I've realised whilst sitting feeling sorry for myself in a dimly-lit office, that more often than not feels like an over-perfumed cupboard.
 
26 was my year of worrying (or worrying on an incredibly higher scale than I usually do); I've worried a lot about what I should be worried about, what I should be doing, but am not capable of doing at this moment in time - I've worried about how prepared I am for the rainy days that might never happen, or that are at least a way off; also known as, the usual stuff that you worry about as you grow into scary, 'grown-up' ages. To stick with the well-flogged metaphor, this year I felt like I was standing under a grim, rumbling sky without even an umbrella for shelter, whilst everyone around me is pulling on wellies and raincoats. For that reason, this year I don't really have any birthday resolutions, or at least nothing that isn't a rehash of the previous year's. If anything I want to work on figuring stuff out, not in a 'getting my ducks in a row' way, but in being a little less wishy-washy, sitting in a corner teary-eyed and biting my nails way - being a little more steadfast in my opinions and finding my own voice. How I do that, well I'm not entirely sure, but hopefully I'm taking a few steps in a positive direction.
 
I start a writing course in a week or so, which I'm incredibly excited about. I see it as jumping-off point to something else, again, what that 'something else' is? I don't know, but it's a start to getting on and doing something that I want to do and whatever follows on from that, we'll see; the idea of it alone is making feel a little more confident in my abilities. And the other things, those things that Emily Post (or Emily Gilmore) would tell you never to discuss in public (or the Internet)? I'm working on those too. It's a bit like I've stepped out in a downpour and remembered that there's an umbrella at the bottom of my bag - better late, than never, right?
 
 
Previous Birthday Posts:
 
26
25
24



 

1 comment:

  1. I can really relate to this post. I turn 30 this year and have spent a lot of time worrying about what I'm doing or more important,y what I have not done. Time flies, one piece of advice do all the things you want to do now, I've realised the older you get the harder it gets. Think I'll have a bucket list type post around my birthday
    Lauren
    livinginaboxx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting! I try to reply to all comments left and pay a visit to any personal blogs that you link (it may take a while but I try), but if you have a direct question feel free to email me.

Linkwithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...